


When The Ice Cracks

by your_local_trashcan



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Fluff, M/M, This is a bit (a lot?) depressing but it will end happily I promise, Yuuri is depressed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-27
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-08-27 09:39:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8396716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/your_local_trashcan/pseuds/your_local_trashcan
Summary: "It's like Yuri is skating on a rink of very thin ice (and only he knows that it is such thin ice; the crowd, his family and even Victor have not noticed a difference); it is fragile and likely to crack at one wrong movement, or at one harsh word too many."------Yuuri is depressed, and so far not even the arrival of Victor Nikiforov as his coach has been able to help him out of it. Can the two of them find the right words to say to each other before it's too late?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! :) This is the first fic I've ever written, so all constructive criticisms are happily welcomed. I can't promise how regularly I'll update but I'll try not to leave you hanging for too long. I've probably spelt Yuuri's name as both Yuuri and Yuri throughout, if Yuri P makes an appearance I'll use Yurio to avoid confusion! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this fic at least a little, my writing skills aren't great but I've tried my best. If I can manage to make anyone cry I'll be both pleased and then very guilty for making one of you sweet people cry! Alternatively, if this fic is so bad that it is laughable, well, at least I've made someone laugh, right?????

 

  
_One month after returning to Hasetsu_

  
It's one of those days.

One of those days, Yuri thinks to himself, as the first rays of morning sun spill through the windows and fall across the sheets, when he feels like shit.

When he feels so tired of who he is and what he looks like, and of never being good enough; so disgusted by how chubby and clumsy and useless he is; tired of feeling like he is such a complete nobody when he's off the ice.

In short, when he's just tired of feeling.

  
Yuri's always had self esteem issues, starting from when he was a child. From an early age he's had a tendency to gain weight easily, and his naturally shy personality has always made making friends difficult. It only took a few weeks of spending school lunchtimes alone, and a few chants of ‘fatso' from the other kids before Yuri began to despise himself and his body, shrinking into his shell and distancing himself from others.

Of course, then he'd discovered skating, and Yuri's life had been transformed. He grew to love the sound of the blades swooshing against the ice, and the way he could glide around the rink, forgetting all his anxieties, absorbed in the music, feeling so free. And he loved the way Yu-chan, his very first friend, and everyone watching, would cheer after he landed a jump, making Yuri feel like he was someone special.

Yuri had taken his skating further and by the time he was in his late teens, now with the slim but chiselled physique of a pro skater, he'd had considerable success. Maybe he wasn't world best, but sometimes, when Yuri took his final bow after finishing with a stunning quad, and the crowd’s cheers were all around him, he'd smile wider than ever before and feel like Yuri Katsuki really was a somebody.

But his insecurities, it seemed, would not magically disappear, and when he finished last place in the Grand Prix Finale with the media turning against him, that was all it took for the festering anxieties at the back of his mind to surface once again, sending him spiralling gradually downwards into a state of deep, crippling depression.

Now, one year later, after somehow surviving it and finishing university with a lighter heart, Yuri's trying to get back on his feet, because he loves skating with all his heart; but it isn't easy. He wishes he could work off his insecurities as easily as the way he works off his extra pounds at the gym.

But every time he looks in the mirror, his brain taunts him, picking out every imperfection, making Yuri shy away in disgust; and with every jump he fails - crashing down heavily on the cold ice, encouragements from Yuko falling on deaf ears - it's getting harder to pick himself back up.

Yuri can feel his depression returning, an empty, hopeless feeling in his chest that seems to grow each day.

Yuri can't help but wonder, as he lies there alone, at the mercy of his own mind, whether this time his depression will lead him to a point of no return. Yuri feels as if he is falling, falling, falling through a dark abyss; it was the same before, but then there had been a ladder, and he had managed to climb out.

This time, Yuri fears, he will just keep falling, with no ladder, unable to stop himself; until he is beyond help and beyond escape and the only option will be to end his sorry existence himself.

Yuri runs an unsteady hand through his hair, trying to clear his mind of such thoughts.

  
Yuri hates these kind of days.

  
\--

Suddenly, a soft knock at his bedroom door brings Yuri out of his dark reverie and back to the present moment, as Victor’s sing-song voice floats through the wall.  
“Wake up, my little kobuta-chan, you have a three-mile run scheduled today!”

While he calls back a fake-cheery reply to Victor, Yuri inwardly flinches at the nickname ‘piglet’. He knows that it is not maliciously meant, but in his current state of mind every little insult, intentional or otherwise, is dangerous, and only adds to his growing despair.

As Yuri rises and begins to dress, (always with the curtains closed and the light off, so that the semi-darkness hides his imperfect body) he takes a deep breath and mentally prepares himself for getting through the morning.

One thing Yuri knows he was always good at when skating is faking a smile for the camera - always able to give a cheery wave to the crowd, a gentle smile for the flower girls and boys, no matter how badly the performance had gone.

It's the same now. Plastering on a smile, Yuri keeps up the appearance fairly well, bottling up all his feelings deep inside.

Yuri knows, of _course_ he knows, that this will only make things worse.

But he cannot bear to speak his heart to anyone. Sometimes, part of him wants to just open up and gush everything to Victor - and then Victor will hold Yuri so tightly but so gently, kiss him so softly but with so much love, stroke his hair and piece him back together, bringing back to Yuri all the confidence and happiness that he has lost -

But Yuri knows, oh he knows for sure, that this will never happen, that Victor could never love him.

After all, Yuri is a nobody.

Indeed, what terrifies and repels Yuri the most is the thought of being rejected, of seeming even more pathetic than he already is, of Victor looking disappointed and unimpressed, clearly thinking that Yuri is making a big deal of nothing, that he should just get over it, clearly thinking that Yuri is a complete letdown, not worthy of Victor’s attention after all.

And this is why Yuri will continue to keep everything locked up inside, sadness and loneliness and bitterness and self hatred all bubbling up in his chest, just waiting to boil over and spill out.

It's like Yuri is skating on a rink of very thin ice (and only he knows that it is such thin ice, the crowd, his family and even Victor have not noticed a difference); it is fragile and likely to crack at one wrong movement; or one harsh word too many.

\-----

Whether sooner or later, the ice is surely going to crack.

Yuri does not know what will happen to him when it does.

  
\-------

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this first chapter, any comments or kudos are welcomed and greatly appreciated! ^_^
> 
> I should mention that I don't have depression, so please please tell me if you think something is too unrealistic throughout this fic.
> 
> See you next chapter ~


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